This is the mental health hotline. If you have obsessive compulsive disorder press 1 repeatedly. If you have co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If your delusional press 7 and the call will be brought back to the mothership. And if you have a fidget disorder, fidget with the hash key until someone picks up.
Hi, this is (your name). I’m not available at the moment. Leave me your name, number, and reason for call after the beep. If this can’t wait, call my secretary at (her cell or desk number).

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