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How about a little retro concrete poetry – you know, where you arrange your words on the screen to form an image of a palm tree or a pina colada?

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I’m a huge fan of the scheduling. I give myself up until 8am the day I return, since that way I’m covered if someone is emailing me early in the morning and will know why it might take me a bit to get back to them as I sort through the backlog for triage even though I’m back in the office that day.
Leave some lights on for safety, but turn off any unnecessary ones before leaving. Test that all main doors are locked, as well as any server or file rooms holding sensitive equipment or information. .

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Most awkward/painful one I ever saw was a former co-worker. ~10 years ago when he left on paternity leave, he said as much in his out of office. The baby was stillborn. It stayed up for the month or so until he returned. Those of us in the same office of course knew the situation, but we regularly communicated directly with multiple offices in different states and countries. The very first time I saw it I was overcome with dread about how many congratulations he would receive and have to tell the story to. I was much younger and afraid to rock the boat then, but I think now I would push his manager and IT to use their ability to access his account and change it.
I'm not actually at the North Pole, but I am preoccupied with wrapping presents, drinking hot chocolate, and listening to festive music. Therefore, I won’t respond to your email until [date]. Thank you for your patience, and I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

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TEMPLATE #1. (Office closed for holiday notice: Memo to all employees) Dear All, Please note that our office will be closed on (day), (date) because of the (mention reason). The office will then open as usual on the next working day. This is for your kind information. Do spread this info among other colleagues.
Let’s be real, the majority of the thousands of emails you return to after being O.O.O. will be spam and salesy marketing drivel – any legitimately important emails will probably get lost! Unless you’re Barack Obama, just send it when they’re back.

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I’d then check off all that applied—people would laugh each time they saw it bc I’m such a predictable nerd, one or both of the first two lines was almost always checked off…and usually both!

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Please leave your name, phone number, and a short message and I'll be sure to return your call. Hi, this is [your name] at [X company]. I am unavailable at the moment, but please leave your name, phone number, and the reason you’re calling, and I’ll call you right back. Hi, you’ve called [your name] at [X company].

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    I don’t do them for meetings. I do have one that I turn on every Tuesday afternoon since I don’t work Wednesdays. In our culture it’s not uncommon for people to check EMail when they’re off. I don’t do that so I need to let people know. I also put a status message up on Teams. I work with a team of 40 people and I can’t expect them all to remember when I’m there and when I’m not!

    So now this email is working overtime with the flood of enquiries, spam, well-wishes, and broken hearts.
    Thank you for your email. Please note that I will be out of the office on 5 February 2021. During this period I will have no access to my email. In case of something urgent, you can reach me on my mobile.

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    In the digital age, most of us follow brands on social media. When a client follows a company on social media, it keeps them fresh in their mind and makes them more likely to do business with them. You can set an out-of-office to make it easy for a customer to connect, stay current, and maintain the brand loyalty that social media provides.

    There’s a grim, apologetic vibe to these messages — I’m sorry I’m taking time for myself but I’ll try to check in on occasion! They’re a vivid reflection of a work culture that valorizes constant productivity and the near-total overlap of work and life. But they’re also do a terrible job of what they’re intended to do, e.g., set realistic expectations for both sender and recipient. A vague OOO message traps both parties in an uncomfortable liminal space where both productivity and rest go to die. The original sender is left unsure if they’ll be getting a timely response or a whether the email will go ignored for a time or forever. The original recipient has taken what is a rock solid excuse (time off) and cheapened it, offering a backdoor for email guilt to creep in.
    I work with such a person. So instead of something like “I’m writing to ask if you would graciously consider serving on our committee”, she will send a message along the lines of: “I am graciously writing to ask you to serve on our committee.”

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    One day, the boss said I needed to start answering phones, and did not accept my pushback.

    Our office will be closed today for the [holiday name]. We will reopen tomorrow morning at [time].
    Since I’m out of the office for the Thanksgiving weekend, I’ll respond to your email with a list of 10 things I’m thankful for: Copiers that collate Co-workers that brew more coffee when they empty the pot Donuts on Mondays AND Fridays When IT surprised me with a new laptop AND remembered to transfer my files When You-Know-Who died at the end of book 7 Dry-erase boards that actually erase The brave soul who cleaned out the refrigerator When I’m early to an all-staff meeting and score a table near the door HR finally sent a memo telling people to STOP clipping their nails at their desk OOO autoresponders

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    "I'll be out of the office from Monday, 12/14, and will be back on Monday, 12/21."

    Vacation Tracker helped me book some days off, so you will not be able to reach me until *date*! I will be busy surfing the waves in Portugal/ climbing Kilimanjaro/ taking pictures on the Great Wall of China/ exploring wildlife in Tanzania.
    Hi there, Thanks for your email. I am out of the office right now and will not return until [MM/DD]. Fortunately for you, our resources never take time off and we’ve got this awesome ebook / whitepaper / infographic on [TITLE] that I think you would enjoy. I’ll get back to you as soon as I get back into the office. Best.

  • Be Part
    Of Our
    Story!

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I think this was from some outside contractor: “I have decided to retire to Pluto. Please send all work related enquiries to Cecil.Mongoose at llamagroomers dot com, or if you prefer an intergalactic means of communication my personal address is fergus at pluto dot com.”

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5. 5 The Friendly Professional. Season’s Greetings! Thanks for getting in touch. I’m out of the office enjoying the holidays until [date]. I’ll respond as quickly as I can when the festivities are over and I’m back at my desk.

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YOU CAN PLAN A PRODUCTIVE DAY ON ONE SHEET OF PAPER.This sheet of paper is called The Daily Driver. And I want you to have it.Get The Daily Driver for FREE now!

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I think this is great. A little too long, but it would work well as an internal reply in a large office with the right kinda culture. I’m imagining how useful it would be in my previous office with 300+ people that always had some “fire” or another to put out. I also appreciate how it protects the sender’s time off–at no point does it say “ok, fine. contact me.”

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