Who hasn’t longed to write something similarly huffy? Well, LA-based designer Paul Woods, for one. Woods is also the author of How to Do Great Work Without Being An Asshole and suggests opening your OOO with this: “Dear sender, As you are already aware, I am on vacation. However, as it appears that you have flagrantly ignored the numerous emails, in-person conversations and messages over the past week communicating this, below you can find a detailed recap what I will not be doing until my return…” It’s a recap that extends to wearing clothes, even in public, and moderating his consumption of hard liquor.
The one from “Central Intelligence” with the Rock that I love is is (paraphrasing) :

As with all winter breaks, but especially in a longer break, division and department leaders are responsible for ensuring that external contacts are aware of the closures and as appropriate salaried staff are performing services as necessary to meet the needs of the community during the closure, including checking email/voicemail and responding to time-sensitive matters.
A. Administrative offices will be closed; however, designated individuals will be on call to respond in the event that an urgent matter arises.