The science fiction writer John Scalzi says “The failure mode of clever is asshole,” which seems to apply here.
Thank you for calling [Company Name]. To celebrate the holiday season, we are offering limited-time discounts on all purchases. Please ask your account representative about them today! To place an order, press 1. To follow up on an existing order, press 2. To speak with a representative about our products, press 3. If you have a billing question, press 4. To repeat the menu options, please press the * key. 9. Holiday Closures
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The reason for the OOOs for staff taking half-days? They didn’t want to check the shared office calendar where our time off was recorded. UGH
Have you ever had one of those most amazing kind of days; the kind of day that you will remember when you are old and gray and telling your grandchildren stories? Well, I seem to have those days quite often. In fact, if you’re seeing this message, it’s probably because I’m having one of those kinds of days today, and I’m not going to respond to your message.
Thanks for your email. I’m currently attending [insert event, conference etc here], and will return on [date of return].
The only thing that isn’t boilerplate in mine is the inclusion of “But what if I have a word emergency?” before the who to contact stuff. I removed it at one point and people asked me to put it back in because it made them smile. And yep, we’re writers so the only emergencies we deal with are ones related to words.
I usually go with “Hickory, dickory, dock, I’m off the clock. When the clock strikes Tuesday, I’ll be back.”
In my absence for pre-sales support services, you can drop an email at [email protected] or reach out to (YOUR COLLEAGUE’SNAME)/[email protected]
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“some things are MORE important than work” definitely comes off as aggressive to me. “How DARE you email me when I’m doing something MORE IMPORTANT, and for that matter why aren’t YOU spending time with YOUR family?!”
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"Hello, you've reached [name] at [company]. I'm unable to come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number, and I'll return your call as soon as I'm free. Thank you."
Try something like, "For immediate assistance, please contact Boss Name at [email protected]."
Which to my mind lets people know when I’m back and that I will get back to them after that date, as well as who to contact for more urgent stuff. But every time, Wakeen gets teapot questions because people apparently can’t be bothered to finish reading and they both get questions on stuff that is not due for weeks after I return.
Sorry to miss you. I wrapped up everything at the office and am off on vacation until [DAY OF WEEK], [DATE]. Anyway, if your question or favour can wait, great. If not, do me a favour and forward your email to [EMAIL] and you’ll be well-treated. Thanks. (Source: Futureofworking.com)
I’ll return on [date] or after I watch [favorite holiday movie] one too many times (whichever comes first)—and will respond to your message at that time.