I dunno, this is one of those areas I feel like people overanalyze. Like, yes, there are definitely some away messages that make me raise an eyebrow and I really don’t want anyone’s medical history. I’m not a huge fan of the one from the LW cause it’s a bit cutesy and takes too long to get to the point — I prefer short and sweet. But some people also just…struggle with how to put together an away message and copy what their boss does. Or they’re like me — I need a message that works for clients as well, so mine needs to be a little more formal, even if my office isn’t.
As a result, our text-based work communication has morphed into a series of strange, stilted, passive aggressive, and performatively upbeat exchanges. Much of the actual text of work email exchanges is ornamental filler language filled with exclamation points and phrases like “just looping back on this” that mask burnout, frustrated obligation, and sometimes outright contempt (the absolute best example of this is a wonderful 2015 post titled, “Just Checking In,” where writers Virginia Heffernan and Paul Ford write fake emails in this vein to see who can cause the other the most panic).

Once they realize that your office is currently closed, the most important piece of information they probably want to know is your standard business hours. While this information can be tucked behind a phone menu option, it's best to state it upfront in your after hours recording.
My parents ran a furniture refinishing shop when I was in school. There are workshops and conferences for this trade. I attended a private high school that was primarily a boarding school. Once, when my parents needed to attend a middle-of-the-week event, they arranged for me to stay overnight in the school dorms. Upon being asked by the house mother where my parents were, I said they was at a stripping convention.