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You readers didn't disappoint. I asked for the most clever phone answering machine messages in all creation (or at least in all of Beltwayland). I thought these were the best:

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Hello you are talking to a machine; I am capable of receiving messages. My owner (your name here) does not need siding windows or a hot tub, and her carpets are clean. She gives to charity through the office and she doesn’t need her picture taken if your still with me please leave a message and she will get back with you.
Professional phone greetings, prompts & messages on hold can be used for any company type and industry, from banking to medical. .

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A relatively unprofessional one — like mine, for instance — does the opposite: It encourages prospects, recruiters, and potential connections to run in the other direction.
You should script out your greetings, rehearse, and find a tone of voice that is reflective of your professionalism and your company’s personality. If applicable, your tone and your message should take into account that certain industries and companies are more conservative than others.

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Hello, you have reached the dental office of Dr. X. We are busy assisting a patient now, but will call you back as soon as possible. Please leave your name, reason for calling, and your number. If this is an urgent enquiry, please call 911. In this case, the dentist is giving a reason for not being available and they’re providing a way to prioritize the patients who need the most help. They’re also leaving an emergency number for the most severe of situations.
Communicate the same information to a group of people at once. This feature only works with other CenturyLink voicemail users, so you'll need to ask the others in your group if they also have this service.

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-This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

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6. I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.

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    › Url: https://talkroute.com/12-fun-professional-business-voicemail-greetings/ Go Now

    You want to be a little more formal when you're recording a business voicemail greeting for your company. State your business name, your hours of operation, the manner in which you'll reach out to the caller, and a place where he or she can obtain more information about your business. Thank you for calling GreenLeaf Logistics. No one is available to answer your call right now. Our business hours are Monday through Friday, 9 am to 7 pm. Please leave your name and phone number so that someone from our Customer Success Team can follow up with you. For more information, please visit www.greenleaflogistics.com. 3. Department Wide Voicemail Greeting
    9. Holiday Closures. Thank you for calling [Company Name]; we are currently closed in observance of [holiday name]. We will return on [Date] at 8 AM Eastern Time.

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    Hello. Thank you for contacting [Business Name]. Unfortunately, we are not currently available at the moment. Our regular office hours are Monday through Friday, 8 am to 4 pm, closed during the weekend. Please leave a message along with your name and number, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

    7.) Benvenuti alla John Doe DE, il vostro specialista in prodotti campione. Se volete effettuare un ordine, si prega di seguire la procedura di ordinazione nel nostro negozio online www.johndoe.de – Rimaniamo in attesa del vostro ordine. Per ulteriori domande, si prega di contattare il nostro servizio di assistenza tramite e-mail a: [email protected] – vi contatteremo al più presto possibile. Grazie per la vostra chiamata.
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    4.) Bienvenido/a a John Doe. Nos puede contactar personalmente durante nuestro horario de oficina de lunes a jueves de 9:00h a 12:00h y de 14:00h a 16:00h. Asimismo, nos puede enviar un correo electrónico a [email protected] y le contestaremos lo antes posible. Gracias.

    3) Press the OK soft key or Select (depending on model). You will hear a confirmation tone. This information as well instructions for other features your model may have can also be found in your owner's manual. Ring Time allows you to set the number of rings the caller hears before your answering system plays the outgoing message. You can set the ring time to answer after two, four,or six rings. If you enable the Toll Saver (TS), the answering system picks up after two rings if you have new messages, and after four rings if there are none. 1) Simply move the "Ring Time" switch to the desired selection. This switch can be found on the side of the base To operate your answering system when you are away from home, you will need to enter a two-digit security code or Personal Identification Number (PIN). The default security code is 80. 3) Press the OK soft key or Select key (depending on model). You will hear a confirmation tone.
    Website: https://www.eou.edu/coronavirus/2020/03/24/march-24-2020-voicemail-and-phone-instructions-when-working-from-home/

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    check words for the English /oʊ/ vowel. Many non-native speakers make this more like a single vowel and it’s a double vowel so it should have /o/ and /ʊ/ smoothly joined together. Check it in the word ‘phone’ . Another double vowel to look out for in your Voicemail Greeting example is the diphthong vowel /eɪ/. This vowel is in words like ‘wait’ and ‘able’. Many people use the word ‘can’t’ in their Voicemail greeting example. This can be a trap for non-native English speakers. That’s why we chose ‘unable’ instead! Watch out for the word ‘can’t’! In American English and British English the vowel in ‘can’t’ is pronounced with the vowel /æ/ like in ‘pat’ – /kænt/.

    Please leave us a message with your name, number, and any other necessary information, and we will return your call when the office reopens. Thank you for calling." As you can see, this professional voicemail greeting is similar to the absent receptionist greeting but more inclusive.
    Website: https://grasshopper.com/blog/6-phone-greetings-for-business-that-improve-customer-interaction/

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1.) Herzlich willkommen bei der Mustermann GmbH. Leider ist das Büro derzeit nicht besetzt oder Sie rufen ausserhalb der Geschäftszeiten an. Sie können aber gerne eine Nachricht hinterlassen, oder eine Email an [email protected] schreiben. Vielen Dank für Ihren Anruf.

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"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

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