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You readers didn't disappoint. I asked for the most clever phone answering machine messages in all creation (or at least in all of Beltwayland). I thought these were the best:

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"Hi. I'm screening my calls right now because there are some people I don't want to talk to. So, leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as long as you're not one of them."
Telephone English refers to the type of language used when speaking on the telephone in English.There are many specific verbs and phrases used when speaking on the telephone in English.This guided to leaving a message on the telephone provides a step by step guide to leaving a message that will make sure that the recipient returns your call and/or receives necessary information.

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-Hi, you’ve reached _____________. Please leave a message after my kid stops (awkward moment of silence) owwwwwwwwwww that hurt!… continuing… after my kid stops hitting me in the back with his hockey stick! BEEP
The Android operating system includes a native visual voicemail that lets you view voicemail messages in text form. If you have an older Android phone or if your service provider doesn’t offer visual voicemail, you can download a third-party app. Select Phone. Select Keypad. Press and hold the number 1. If your voicemail is not set up, select ADD NUMBER. Select Voicemail number. Enter the Voicemail number and select OK. Repeat steps 2-4 to check your voicemail.

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18. “Thanks for calling [Company name/your name]. We hope you’re enjoying the holiday season. We aren’t available at the moment due to our holiday hours. Leave your name, number and the reason for your call and we’ll get back to you ASAP! Thanks for calling.” Everyone deserves a break. Let your callers know although you might be enjoying one too, that their needs are important.

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Professionally recorded phone messages and greetings are the perfect way to promote and re-enforce your business brand when customers call the business. They will put a professional touch to any message and enhance your business image. Choose between a male or female voice, recorded in the tone best suited to your business. Ideal for Business Intro Messages at the start of the call, Auto Attendant (IVR) prompts, Voicemail greetings such as one for an After-Hours Service, and On-Hold Messages. Incorporate background music for that extra touch.

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    If the you haven't changed your personal greeting, a default system greeting will be played for callers. For example, "Please leave a message for John Smith. After the tone, please record your message. When you finish recording hang-up or press the pound key for more options."

    A clear, professional voicemail greeting is essential for job seekers and professionals living in English speaking countries. Job recruiters, managers and colleagues will all expect a good, clear, professional voicemail greeting when they call you.
    19. “Hi, you’ve reached [your name] at [X company]. We are sorry but our office is closed until [date]. Please leave us your name and phone number and our team will get back to you as soon as possible. Enjoy [holiday] and thanks for calling [company name]! If you do happen to be open the holiday season, it’s important to provide holiday hours. Especially if your hours vary from your regular hours.

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    The importance of voicemail in the customer care sector has not diminished despite the arrival of newer web technologies. VoIP applications let the businesses use voicemail service with flexibility, as it is. The users need not rely on extension terminals when they use VoIP services. A strong internet connection is a prerequisite and the pre-configured phones can be used – both for calling /receiving calls and for automated custom greetings. IVR feature redirect callers to the right virtual extension where their needs can be addressed. This can be done anywhere through a web portal access and an internet connection.

    34. Hey, this is [your name]. I’m sorry for not picking your call right now. Please leave your name, number and a brief message, and I will get back to you at the earliest opportunity. You can also reach me via email at [email address] and I will reply to you shortly.
    Looking for a custom Professional Voicemail Greeting for your business or office phone? How about an impressive, professional phone recording for your business cell phone, mobile phone, smartphone, auto attendant, automated receptionist or virtual answering service?It’s extremely important that your voicemail greetings make a great impression when customers call your office phone or business

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    20. "Hey there, this is [your name] from [your company]. I'm out of the office until [date]. In the meantime, please direct your inquiries to [coworker's name] at [email address]. They can also be reached at [phone number]. Thank you."

    29. Hi, you’ve reached [your name] at [your company]. Please send me an email at [email address] if this is urgent, and I’ll get in contact with you as soon as possible. If this is not urgent, please leave me a brief message about the reason you are calling with your contact information and I’ll get back to you in the next 24 hours. Have a great day.
    3. Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

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    Education Details: A Professional Voicemail Greeting Takes your Business to the Next Level. Now that you’ve had an opportunity to hear a variety of great business voicemail greeting samples, you know that help is available to get just the sound and image you’re looking for.

    Professional voicemail greeting examples to boost your credibility. Here are 15 business voicemail greetings to keep your clients and boost your credibility: You have reached [your name] at [your company]. Thank you for calling. Please leave your name, number and a message, and I will get right back to you. You've reached [your name] at [your
    Hi, you have reached (names) voicemail. If you want money or to sell us something, we a) gave at the office, b) already have it, or c) don’t want it. If you are a friend, trying to give us money or just want to talk, then leave a message or try my cell phone number. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know what you want.

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6. Voicemail Greetings For The Holidays. Hi, you’ve reached (insert name and title) at (insert company.) We’ve taken this time to be with our family’s and stuff our bellies.

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Hello! You’ve reached [LinkedPhone’s Tech Support Team]. We are currently closed but we’re always eager to help. Our regular business hours are from [9am to 7pm Easter Standard Time, 7 days a week]. Please include your name, number, and a short description of the issue you’re experiencing. We promise to return your call by the end of the next business day. [If this is an urgent matter, press ‘0’ to be connected with our VIP support team]. Thank you.

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8. “Hello, this is [your name] at [company]. Thanks for calling. Please leave your name, number, and the reason you’d like to chat, and I’ll get to back to you ASAP.”

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